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PMQs - The verdict
With Tony Blair away in Brussels, John Prescott manned the fort at prime minister's questions this week.
Loved by the sketch writers for his entertaining and imaginative use of the English language, the deputy prime minister does not relish these occasions.
With cheers on all sides as he got up to the despatch box, he replied "how kind".
Formally explaining why his boss could not be present, Prescott added: "I am certainly grateful for the good wishes he has sent me today."
First up was Liberal Democrat new boy Parmjit Singh Gill, elected on a big swing against Labour in the Leicester South by-election last year.
He described comments from police minister Hazel Blears on Muslims being stopped and searched as "very ill-judged".
But as he went on a bit too long, in a style reminiscent of his leader, Labour backbenchers grew impatient and showed few of the courtesies usually offered to rookie MPs.
To jeers of "get on with it", Singh Gill barely got the end of his question.
Prescott was equally dismissive of the Lib Dem, anticipating that his seat is soon to return to the Labour fold.
Of his remarks, Prescott said it "may well be the last occasion he has to use them".
Ancram attack
Standing in for Michael Howard was Tory deputy leader Michael Ancram, who had polished his own soundbite on the Budget.
Criticising the chancellor for only providing a council tax discount for pensioners for one year, he said "under this government the giveaways come before the election and the takeaways come after".
Prescott responded by pointing out that council tax is being reviewed in its entirety next year.
Ancram then laid a trap by using the expected election date of May 5 in his next question, hoping the deputy prime minister would confirm it with a typical gaffe.
He didn't - yet - but did offer a pair of Prescott gems by confusing "growth areas" with "graph areas" and saying asylum applications "are considerably higher under Labour".
Correcting himself, he slammed the "penny scribblers upstairs" in the press gallery who he knew would be watching.
For the Lib Dems Sir Menzies Campbell tried an attack on government support for lifting the EU arms embargo on China.
While he commands the chamber more than Charles Kennedy, the assault was easily deflected.
Election date
At the second time of asking the Ancram ploy worked, to a degree.
To Tory delight Prescott said: "The people are to judge on May 5, and the election will be on May 5 won't it?"
After the laughter had died down he pointed at Ancram and added: "It seems that the honourable gentleman has forgotten it is the county council elections on May 5."
With all sides now enjoying themselves, Prescott's language got looser and pre-planned Labour assaults on the Tory "are you thinking what we're thinking" slogan did not quite come off.
It took a question on the death of schoolgirl Mille Dowler to bring the House back to order.
But like all good comedians, Prescott saved his best gag until last as a long-winded Labour backbencher praised policing "tranquillity periods" in her constituency.
Noticing his ordeal was at an end, the deputy prime minister looked at the clock and said: "We are now at 12.30 entering a tranquillity period of my own."
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